It's true. Four years ago I had a child with a jerk. He didn't start off that way of course. I blamed myself at first. I wondered how I could of missed the signs and misjudged his character. I was so angry with myself for not protecting my heart better. It's easy to look back and see everything clearly. That's why they say hindsight is 20/20, right? I really beat myself up. How could I have been so blinded by love?
I was conflicted. The shame of being a single mom overshadowed the joy of being a mom. An amazing and beautiful baby boy was produced from my relationship with a jerk. If I hadn't loved, then I wouldn't have my son. I loved my son beyond belief and yet I was so disgusted with his father. I couldn't shrink and expand my heart at the same time.
Becoming a mother made my heart grow, but it had a million cracks in it. The easy choice would have been to hold onto the hurt and anger. But, that wasn't me. I wasn't going to let the pain destroy my loving spirit. I decided to heal my heart. I had to forgive and accept. I began my 'heart work'.
Before I could forgive and accept I had to mourn. I mourned the loss of what wasn't - my ideal family. This wasn't how I wanted things to turn out. It was actually the last thing I wanted. I allowed myself to feel every emotion and then... I released it. I cried, screamed into a pillow, wrote in my journal, prayed, and exercised. I let it out so the hurt wouldn't consume me. Now I had made space for forgiveness and acceptance.
Forgiveness & Acceptance
I forgave myself first. This was extremely difficult for me because I blamed myself for choosing this jerk to have a child with. I was harder or myself than I was on my ex. I had to shed the weight of guilt on my shoulders. I did this by accepting that I made the best decisions I could, with the information I had at the time. Basically, I had a thumbnail image of my ex. He showed me what he wanted me to see. I may not have been blessed with my son, if I'd had the panoramic image.
Next, I forgave my ex. Yes, I forgave him for all the hurt and pain. I stopped making him out to be the villain. I had created this one dimensional version of him in my head. I wrote him off as a cruel and evil person, but I knew that wasn't true in my heart. The good times and love we once shared were forgotten. So, I took time to analyze what happened in his life to make him this way. I had to make him human in my mind. He has been hurt so badly and rejected - that's all he knows. He doesn't know how to be loved and ultimately, he doesn't love himself. Don't get me wrong. In no way am I excusing his lying, cheating, and lack of involvement in his son's life. I am simply saying he is multi-dimensional. I realized that hurt people hurt other people. It's that simple. I accepted that he is who he is and I can't change that. I can and will however, pray for him.
Finally, I used my ex as a mirror. Many of the things I didn't like about him were the same things I didn't like about myself. It was a startling self-discovery. For example, I didn't like how selfish he was. Well, there's a selfish part of me, too. Instead of trying to deny my selfishness, I accepted it. Being selfish helps me to take care of myself. I'm able to make time for myself, rest, and do things I enjoy because I am selfish - and I'm grateful for that. I accepted the aspects of myself that I didn't like and found good in them.
Every experience is a lesson. In my life, I've learned and grown the most from the difficult experiences. Moving past the pain and betrayal taught me that acceptance and forgiveness go hand in hand. Accept what is and forgive what isn't. We're all human and perfectly imperfect. What do you need to accept and forgive?
I was conflicted. The shame of being a single mom overshadowed the joy of being a mom. An amazing and beautiful baby boy was produced from my relationship with a jerk. If I hadn't loved, then I wouldn't have my son. I loved my son beyond belief and yet I was so disgusted with his father. I couldn't shrink and expand my heart at the same time.
Becoming a mother made my heart grow, but it had a million cracks in it. The easy choice would have been to hold onto the hurt and anger. But, that wasn't me. I wasn't going to let the pain destroy my loving spirit. I decided to heal my heart. I had to forgive and accept. I began my 'heart work'.
Before I could forgive and accept I had to mourn. I mourned the loss of what wasn't - my ideal family. This wasn't how I wanted things to turn out. It was actually the last thing I wanted. I allowed myself to feel every emotion and then... I released it. I cried, screamed into a pillow, wrote in my journal, prayed, and exercised. I let it out so the hurt wouldn't consume me. Now I had made space for forgiveness and acceptance.
Forgiveness & Acceptance
I forgave myself first. This was extremely difficult for me because I blamed myself for choosing this jerk to have a child with. I was harder or myself than I was on my ex. I had to shed the weight of guilt on my shoulders. I did this by accepting that I made the best decisions I could, with the information I had at the time. Basically, I had a thumbnail image of my ex. He showed me what he wanted me to see. I may not have been blessed with my son, if I'd had the panoramic image.
Next, I forgave my ex. Yes, I forgave him for all the hurt and pain. I stopped making him out to be the villain. I had created this one dimensional version of him in my head. I wrote him off as a cruel and evil person, but I knew that wasn't true in my heart. The good times and love we once shared were forgotten. So, I took time to analyze what happened in his life to make him this way. I had to make him human in my mind. He has been hurt so badly and rejected - that's all he knows. He doesn't know how to be loved and ultimately, he doesn't love himself. Don't get me wrong. In no way am I excusing his lying, cheating, and lack of involvement in his son's life. I am simply saying he is multi-dimensional. I realized that hurt people hurt other people. It's that simple. I accepted that he is who he is and I can't change that. I can and will however, pray for him.
Finally, I used my ex as a mirror. Many of the things I didn't like about him were the same things I didn't like about myself. It was a startling self-discovery. For example, I didn't like how selfish he was. Well, there's a selfish part of me, too. Instead of trying to deny my selfishness, I accepted it. Being selfish helps me to take care of myself. I'm able to make time for myself, rest, and do things I enjoy because I am selfish - and I'm grateful for that. I accepted the aspects of myself that I didn't like and found good in them.
Every experience is a lesson. In my life, I've learned and grown the most from the difficult experiences. Moving past the pain and betrayal taught me that acceptance and forgiveness go hand in hand. Accept what is and forgive what isn't. We're all human and perfectly imperfect. What do you need to accept and forgive?
